A sort of re-birth

All I know is, I am happy with what I am doing.

I have been pushing everything this week.

..and to be honest, I have been pushing things almost every day for the past month.

Am I tired? Bored? Clueless? or all of those?

It is a mix of everything really. That fun guy who used to write about how he liked starbucks when everyone was cancelling it - seems to be lost. I have recently come back from a three month long walk and recently my country has been going through a war-like situation. I don’t know where I am or what am I doing.

I have spent the entire day sitting on a chair, watching the odd parrots who have come in our backyard, to eat the water apples. I wonder how different is my reality to the rest of the world. And why can’t it be as peaceful as it is for me.

I haven’t had food in the afternoon nor do I feel like eating now. My life is taking unknown turns and all the society around me can think of is, “when will you get married?” “when will you be stable?”

The reality is, I am stable. Maybe not in a material sense, but I am stable in here, in my head. Moreover, I had given up on the material stability when I left England. I am happy with where I am and what I am doing. I am even invited to deliver a TEDx talk in Delhi quite soon. How cool is that!!

This feels like the most productive time of my life and yet, the societal pressures are pouring in.

It’s like Ash becomes complete and whole every time he goes on a big adventure and every time he is in the news papers. When that wildfire has subsided, so does his identity for his family, for his friends.

I realise that I am the only one who knows what I am doing and I am the only one who knows how far I have come. But I don’t live in a silo. I have to talk about it to others all the time.

I wonder then, am I back to zero every time I finish a project? Have I wasted my time because the society has a crooked glass that always views me imperfectly? I don’t think so.

---

Today, I left in the morning without giving anyone any notice and took the road leading to the farm/jungle. Here, I am working with a local person, on building a community farm. I was surprised at the simplicity in thought that a long walk can bring. Its been a while since I’ve gone on long walks in the countryside in England. Somehow it is just not the Indian culture to go on long walks to rewind or reconnect. Somehow, a culture like India, full of deep philosophical insight, forgot to look after their health. An evening of contemplation through the wild paths in England brought me to a state of calm that nothing else did.

When I reached the half-built hut, built to house buffaloes in the monsoon, the sun had already risen its head above the horizon. A gentle westward wind was blowing in my face. All I could think of was - to sit down and do nothing and watch.

I’ve been so stuck up with the community work, that I forget that I too need some time to sit down, or go on a long walk and contemplate my day. I think to myself, “Ash, how can you tell others to be quiet when you are failing to calm the storm within you?”

I don’t know. I am bombarded with messages and questions about my life (my reels have been reaching quite a lot of people since my walk) on instagram and it feels tempting to answer each one of them, or else they would think of me as an arrogant prick. I have learnt to let go, but not entirely. Although, I feel like I handle things in a much better way these days.

This time with my grandparents is one that I wouldn’t trade, even for the world’s best riches. I cry inside looking at my grandfathers health deteriorate as he turns eighty-six. All I can do is be there with him, push him to live, when darkness has enveloped his entire psyche. I see a beautiful soul, a strong man, fighting to hold the last strands of his memory before it reaches oblivion. I see him drowning in dementia. The only good feeling comes from the fact that he still remembers me. Maybe I will be like him someday. Helpless. Dependant. Sorry.

My grandma is doing her best to be the understanding one. After all, she has to be strong enough to keep grandpa intact.

I don’t know what love is anymore. I felt loved in presence of nature. I felt love when my heart was full of kindness for others. I wonder if I need to find that love through a partner. Is that the only way? ..and will anyone be understanding of my life if they decide to pour some love in my cup?

---

I sat down on a rock, forgetting everything that has been clouding my mind.

How wonderful is this!

How simple is it to feel this happiness..

All I had to do was sit down on a rock and forget that ‘I’ exist.

There was no need to pick up my phone and look at what was happening in the world. I didn’t bring it in the first place.

There was no need for Maps to show me a way through the forest that I had never walked. The path beaten under a million footsteps was my guide.

Yes, there are many things that are on my list that I haven’t finished, but do I have the pressure to live all my life at once? I don’t think so.

---

I don’t know if I am right or successful. All I know is, I am happy with what I am doing. I have realised that being centered in the Dao is the best way to live. It is to live without giving each action a thought. It is to live fully in the present moment.

After all, I have come so far without any sign boards. I would laugh at them, if someone told me that this is how my life would unfold. But it has and I am grateful for however it has unfolded.

I have to let go of thinking of not receiving enough to fund myself and my endeavours. My savings will help me for now.

I have to let go of pleasing people, both on Instagram and on Substack. I am not a robot and whenever I try to be, I write sh*tty articles.

I have to let go of the pressure of performing; because more people read and watch me.

I have to be that guy who can give it all up and go sit on that rock, realising that he is nothing and everything in the same moment.

I have to watch things unfold as they do.

There is a life in front of me.

It has to be lived with passion.

Maybe this is what I need to do on an odd day. Forget everything. Forget that you are even reading this and write for me.

With love,

for Ash

---

PS. I cannot ask you to be a paid subscriber because Substack doesn’t provide me with that option in India. But, if you do send me donations or contribute via paypal, here’s what you would get to read:

• Articles about my life in a rural village

• My take on social media and the machine

• Philosophical ideas from India

• ..and you would support my writing, because lets face it, not having a job that pays me monthly does make me dependable on your support.