Some strange thoughts and reflections after publishing my first book

Things aren't always glittery

Today I feel like shit. There is no proper reason for it - it is what it is. In the afternoon as I sat on my bed, I started feeling this strange feeling, almost as if I am worthless. I know this is momentary and I try to observe it just as a witness, but that’s not enough to not feel depressed and anxious. When the words “Why the fuck am I doing this?” echo in your mind, they are enough to bring weird questionable emotions and doubts. You still end up observing them because you have trained your mind to do so.

This time the thoughts were about my book. After the initial push, I have come to a point of saturation. It was bound to happen. The decision of going off from social media was surely going to haunt me at some point - bringing the sales down.

The world of publishing is cruel, especially here in India. For the past weeks I have been running from bookstore to bookstore, asking whether they would be keen on keeping my book and getting rejections after rejections - ‘sorry we don’t keep self-published books’.

The university talks I had arranged, keep getting postponed, thus pushing my idea of organic promotions down the line. In the meanwhile I see many young writers who have written novels and have published it through well-known publishers, flaunting their books in bookstores.

I have been through a long ride ever since writing this book - from getting rejections from literary agents for whom it wasn’t suiting their taste to other agents who just wanted to making things more spicy. The decision to self-publish was a harsh one and one that I was totally committed to. People from my generation have short attention span so its hard to market it to them. I usually get replies like, “fuck bro thats too long. I don’t read books.” My audience is older then, but for now I have nothing other than substack to reach them.

Its easy to get drowned in these negative feelings when they take over you completely.

In these times its easy to forget the people who helped me in this process, the bookstores and cafe’s who invited me for talks and kept my books in their shops. All of you who supported me endlessly in this pursuit of doing the right thing. One thing I can say for sure is, I was pretty confident in bringing this book out. I knew it in my bones that any purification I would try doing to this will lead to more loose ends. Sometimes its just wise to bring it out to the world and let the people decide..

Fortunately I have got the kindest of reviews so far. Some people disagree with me on my views but they don’t question my ability to write. I am waiting for that one bad review though - I know that its around the corner. Maybe then I will be sure that I am on the right track.

After coming back to India I made a decision, to write and create art and earn a living through it. I knew how and what I was going to write about. The language had to be simple so that everyone understood me. I am totally committed to it. The topic I write about are close to my heart. They are extremely personal. I would write about it even if no one wants to read it. But, generally the people who understand it, take a keen interest in it and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for having you here.

My book (Journey to the East) wasn’t designed to be a big blockbuster. I wanted it to be like a marinated pickle that only tastes good after some time has passed. The people who understand it, will love it. I have already heard good reviews about it, coming from all corners of the world.

That’s how things are at the moment. Surviving as a writer is brutal - especially in the third world, when you have chosen to go against all norms. When your writing is connected to your financial survival, things get tough. Even when you think that I can let this pass, I just want to write, you can end up feeling numb and dragged into suffering after getting setbacks. In these times all you can do is look back at the road and see how far you have come. Forget the momentary displeasure and give your everything to the next project. Your book wont be perfect but as your writing marinates, your words will reach a place of belonging. They will reach the right people.

You can buy my book “Journey to the East” about my 1800 km walk through India through my website. Thankyou, really! You people have been such a strong support system. Have a wonderful week ahead.

There is one more thing by the way.

Most of you came along on this Substack after reading stories from Saving a Village. There I mentioned the urgency of taking measures against the imminent deforestation, coastal highway projects alongside chemical and oil factories that are about to open up on this eco-sensitive zone. This might end up destroying many villages, including mine, and thus I have decided to walk this 500 km stretch of land. My aim isn’t political, nor am I pointing fingers at any specific companies or factories. Instead I want to speak in each village about change being the only impermanent thing - but this change being the right direction rather than a wrong one. I do not wish to make myself a hero. If anything I will be happy to witness this piece of land and its dying culture. Although if I end up making people aware about this situation than I will be content thinking that I did what was in my power.

For this I would need your help. To plan out the walk, to take care of necessary supplies means having enough funds. I could start a kickstarter or manage crowdfunding through some other website, but none of those options are available to me here in India. So, I will be dependant on your donations. You can donate through paypal - here’s the link. I can even send out a personalised postcards if the donations are above $30.

I will talk about it in detail in the upcoming newsletters. Thanks again!